I've always enjoyed the saying "Today is the first day of the rest of my life."
How many people take this saying seriously? I know I haven't for most of my life. I have always wanted to be something special, somebody beautiful, somebody accepted. But, I never felt that I was those things. Hearing "Today is the first day of the rest of my life", made me feel happy for those who had hope for the future. But...How could I have hope for the future and how could I have been those things, if I didn't feel that I could be...or that I was?
Acceptance of oneself and understanding that goals and accomplishments that we have can become a reality is something that doesn't come easy. I am not sure what clicked within me this past year or what has caused me to start realizing that it's not so far fetched that I can have my heart's desires. But, all I know is that here I am. Sitting in my room. Listening to music, writing this post. And as I search my heart and look at my life, I see that there is hope. I see that I have what it takes to be who I want to be.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't necessarily like what I see. I'm overweight. I'm obese. Morbidly obese.
...If I look deeper then that, however. Into my soul and heart - I see a girl who simply wants to be loved. A girl who wants to be good enough. I see a girl who wants to love herself. I see a girl who has hope for the future, hope for other people. A girl who's forgiving. Who loves with all she has. Who is afraid of making mistakes. Who has an addiction to food. Who has used food her entire life to cover the pain of rejection and childhood struggles. Rejection from her father, rejection from friends, from family. From losing her uncle to meth abuse. From watching family members almost die from alcohol. From being ignored. From not being wanted. From being alone.
I see a girl who has hopes and dreams. I see a girl who is a mommy. Who loves Christ with all her heart. Who wants to do the right things. Who wants others to love her as much as she loves them.
I see a girl, who is free. Free to do whatever it takes to get where she's going. Free to get up in the morning, and be the best mother. The best friend. The best daughter. The best...person, she can be. I see a girl who is going to be someone great. And who is going to reach for her dreams.
It's not going to be easy. There are going to be hard days. There are going to be doubts, and there are going to be struggles. There are going to be days where I want to give up but I will not. Not this time, no way.
This is it. Now is my chance.